Obedience Over Perfection

“I can run as far west or east as I please. I can sink deep into the depths of the ocean. But I cannot outrun you, God. My life is in the hands of the Creator, there is nothing I can do about it. I cannot shoo you away. I cannot run off the boat because you will reach for me and pull me back in. Where can I flee from your presence? My soul thirsts for you and you are the only one that satisfies..... You are my life partner; You aren’t leaving me. Would it not be easier to walk in rhythm with you? To laugh when you laugh, run when you run, to full send when you full send, to gaze softly when you gaze softly?....” 

A large part of my story is written above, copied from a journal entry over half a decade back. It is the story of the transition from a suicidal life to a sacrificial life. I was trembling, exhausted. To run from God is a large task to take on, one that I did horribly at. I had hit a wall, going what felt like 90 miles per hour, and I did not know what recovery was going to look like from there on. I had come to believe there was no real recovery from burnout.

   Yet I am grateful for heroes of great faith who fueled me to endure. My fascination with Jim and Elisabeth Elliot came far before I wrestled down my calling in the Great Commission; far before I stepped out of the country to serve the Lord. I love reading Elisabeth's writings, particularly, "Shadow of the Almighty." It is to read the love story of a wild, unruly, untamable soul. Mightily in love; in love so much that through the perception of "crashing and burning," there is peace in burning for the Lord.  

In 1956, Jim Elliot and four other missionaries landed in the thick jungles of Ecuador. Their hearts burned heavily for the Auca Indians, a native people group that had zero access to the good news of the Gospel. The tribe was known to be dangerous, unreached, and quick to attack. Each one of the missionaries knew the risks and counted the costs, including the wives; yet their convictions and obedience far outweighed any fear. On January 8th the missionaries were martyred. Four of their bodies were recovered, but one was never found.

    Elisabeth and Jim Elliot lived lives that showcased obedience over perfection. Through writings, I never viewed them through the lens of, "holier than thou," but through passionate love for the Father. Not flawlessly perfect, but recklessly obedient. Despite her husband being martyred, Elisabeth Eliott lived amongst her partner's murderers. Though her husband's blood hit the Ecuadorian soil, she stayed. It was this very obedience, love, and forgiveness that watered the seeds of the Gospel in the hearts of the natives.

   For a season, my tired hands obeyed by pouring coffee. In another, obedience was to rest and weep. In another, I recklessly abandoned and ran into the mission field full time. Each was messy, imperfect obedience. It was in the mess that I realized nothing puts a smile on Father's heart like genuine effort. I was never asked to be flawlessly perfect but recklessly obedient.

   There was much wrestling internally. In the lens of the world around me, I was a fool. In the lens of the world, I had failed. In the lens of the world, some may say Jim Eliott failed. Yet even in mess, even when the coffee spills over or overflows, what spills out in obedience is holy. Even if, in the perspective of the world, it crashes and burns, at least you burned for Him. There is nothing far greater, no one far worthier, to burn for.

      I believe one of the most holy, painful emotions is the desire for heaven to come closer. To deeply grieve at the separation between the very face of God and us; when all your soul wants is to be vastly consumed by His glory. Too selfishly desire to throw this world into a burning furnace just so that you may kneel at His feet for eternity. Things aren’t the way they were intended to be. Eternal souls living in mortal bodies. Souls created to walk with the Creator, to delight alongside Him within His creation. To subdue and multiply within His creation, alongside Him. Yet in the tension of now is the invitation to burn for Him. To run with Him, to dance, to weep, and to be a fool. For even if we "crash and burn," even if trials come, even if persecution comes; at least we burned deeply for Him. May we be a burning, lovesick remnant.

“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” - Jim Elliot.